Was Counting on Forever
by KellyShepard087
Summary: When the heart breaks, there is nothing left to fill the despair. A short oneshot song fic based on Carrie Underwood's song 'Just a Dream'


**Author's Note:**Hey guys. Have a new story, and new style for you.

Heard Carrie Underwood's song "This is Just a Dream" and it inspired me to write a piece for post ME1/pre-ME2 about the funeral for Shepard. Then the part of Liara giving Miranda and Cerberus Shepard's body.

This is just a one shot. I guess it falls in that Songfic category, dunno. I've never written something like this before. Hope y'all like it.

Read and Review please!

Disclaimer: "This is Just a Dream" copyright Carrie Underwood

* * *

_When the church doors opened up wide,_

_She put her veil down,_

_Trying to hide the tears,_

_Oh she just couldn't believe,_

The blue and white of an Alliance flag stands stark against the smooth black of the closed casket. Her steps slow, deliberate. She stares down the short aisle of the Arcturus station chapel. Seeing the casket she is approaching, knowing it is empty, that there was nothing left to bury. She knows her love isn't in there, she isn't anywhere anymore. The dark expanse of space out the large view window behind adds to the surreal effect.

_She heard the trumpets from the military band_

_And the flowers fell out of her hand._

She comes to a stop, her eyes resting on the cloth of the flag. She lays her hand on the casket, the blue of the flag matching her skin. Her mind reeling over the curse of it all. Then the trumpets start, a wailing lament, a steady drum undercurrent. Taps, part of her mind supplies, military Taps, honoring the dead. The bouquet of Cherry blossoms and a single violet rose slip from her hand as she stands there. The flowers fall noiselessly to the smooth deck. The music tearing tears from her eyes, her heart aching with unanswered questions.

_Why'd you leave me, Why'd you have to go?_

_I was counting on forever, now I'll never know_

_I can't even breathe,_

Someone takes her around the shoulders as her body wracks sobs from her. She hasn't even the breath to scream the pain from her chest. Tali guides her to sit on the front aisle seat. The surviving crew of the Normandy seated around her. She then places her hand over Liara's in her lap.

She only vaguely hears the trumpets stop as Hackett then Anderson speak of Shepard. Of her life, her dedication, and her sacrifice. Her eyes never leave the casket, barely even seeing Anderson, Kaiden, Garrus, and Deunan standing as Honor guard at the four corners of it.

_They handed her a folded up flag_

_And she held onto all she had left of her_

_Oh, and what could have been,_

So lost in grief and her inner turmoil she does not see them reverently and meticulously fold the flag as the trumpets resume, playing a lament she later learns is called Amazing Grace.

Deunan kneels before her, offering her the flag. She takes it, setting it in her lap. Looking down and stroking the soft fabric. Wishing it had the answers to all the uncertainties in her heart.

_And then the guns rang one last shot_

_And it felt like a bullet in her heart,_

Anderson barks out an order as the trumpets fall silent. All the military personnel snap to a sharp salute. Seven N7 Marines raise rifles and fire three volleys into the air. The sound jolts her. Each causing her to grip the flag tighter to her chest.

The final shots ring out, the marines snap their rifles to the floor standing at full attention, saluting.

_Why'd you leave me, Why'd you have to go?_

_I was counting on forever, now I'll never know_

_I can't even breathe,_

Clutching the flag tight to her, she clings to the hope this cannot be not good bye forever. As the pallbearers lift the casket and settle it into the launch tube. It silently sails out into the black expanse. A final journey and rest.

_It's like I'm looking from a distance,_

_Standing in the background,_

_Everybody's saying, she's not coming home now,_

She stands at the chapel door, the sea of mourners slowly filling out, each give her an embrace or salute, a comforting hand. She feels and sees none of it, the flag still clutched tight to her chest. Their words fall on deaf ears. The only words in her head is that she can't be gone, a light snuffed out in the black, alone.

As the last mourner leaves, the crew of the Normandy surround her, Shepard's squad, her friends help her back to her apartment. She comes back from her thoughts, her numbness, long enough to thank them. Consoling them, she assures it was a beautiful ceremony, wishing them well as they leave. She conveys strength, saying she'll be alright.

She prays that her words were true, could ever be true as she walks into her bedroom, collapsing onto the bed. Will she ever stop hurting? She draws her knees up to her chest, her arms wrapped tight around the flag, all she has left of her. Will the pain ever go? Will she ever see her again? Pain is all she knows, black, desperate, awful, numb pain in her heart.

_I was counting on forever, now I'll never know,_

_This can't be happening to me,_

_This is just a dream.._

* * *

A few weeks later she stands in the cargo bay of a station. Everything is too clean, too white, too normal. So much could not possibly still be so. How can the world still go on, when there is this black hole in her heart? Each person going about their tasks unphased is a shock to her. How can they go on? How can all stay the same with her gone? How can she be gone?

"Liara." A woman's voice cuts through her thoughts, her turmoil. "Liara?" the woman puts her hand on her arm.

Liara looks up, eyes focusing on the woman in front of her, tall with dark hair, dark eyes, and wearing a Cerberus uniform. This jolts her consciousness into order. Miranda, that's the woman. "This is wrong." She says, her voice surprisingly calm to her ears. "I shouldn't be doing this, trusting you. Why do I?"

"Because we're your only hope, the galaxy's only hope." Miranda rests her hand over Liara's on the sleek black pod beside her. Liara hasn't taken her hand from the cryo pod since she found it, found her. "Shepard is in good hands."

Hearing her name, tears burn her eyes, her throat clenches tight, her heart aching again. "Please, Miranda, please save her. I can't," she looks down at their hands, a single tear falls onto the cold metal. "I can't lose her. This has to work."

Miranda clasps hands with her, turning her away from the pod. "It will. We will bring her back. Now, we need to get to work. Even in cryo, her body is still degrading. I'm sorry Liara, but it's time. You need to let her go. I've got her now."

Liara nods solemnly as she takes a step back, letting Miranda guide her. "Alright, please, save her."

"We will." Miranda pats her hand lightly before turning away, ordering techs to take control of the pod. As they get farther away, Liara feels like her heart being pulled out of her body, splitting in two. Trying to stay with the only woman she's ever loved. The only one she will ever love.

"Wait!" She calls out, taking a few running steps to block their path. "Miranda, I need...I need to see her."

"Liara trust me you don't-"

Liara interrupts Miranda, "No, I need to see her. I need to know, to know it's her.."

Miranda looks Liara straight in her eyes, "I'm urging you not to do this. She fell through atmosphere, her body is horribly mangled. It will be scorched, to the bone in many places. Please, reconsider. Don't let this be the last image you have of her."

"I need to Miranda. I have to know it's her."

She nods and waves the techs to stand back as she reaches for the controls. "You can only have one minute. Any more will be too much risk of contamination."

Liara folds her hands across her stomach, preparing herself. She closes her eyes tight, willing her body to obey, her heart to slow, breathing to calm, and hands to not shake.

Hearing the hiss of the pressure seals release, she opens her eyes and watches the thick fog cascade out of the box. She steels herself to place her hands on the rim of the pod, stepping close to look in.

A gasp escapes her and she covers her mouth in shock. Shepard has no left arm, her right horribly burned and broken. Half her left leg is completely cut off below the knee, laying a space away from where it's sheared. Her chest armor has half of it cracked off and missing, red and black skin visible. Bone unbearably white.

She reaches out, not daring to touch the shattered helmet, the broken glass showing Shepard's face. Half is burned off, black to the bone, her jaw bone hanging from its hinge, making her crooked grin unbearably macabre. Her eye completely gone, an empty socket unseeing. The right side of her face was protected by the helmet, skin blistered red, lips puffy. The long scar through her brow twists cruelly at the edge of her eye. Curving it up, further enhancing the menacing look death has given her smile.

Her right eyelid is gone, leaving her one good eye, the pure amber giving a empty piercing stare to Liara's heart. Suddenly a minute is too long, she can't bear it anymore. She turns away with a heart wrenching sob, covering her face as her mind tries to forget that horrid death mask.

She hears Miranda order the techs to close the pod. Miranda touches her shoulder softly. "I'm sorry." She says softly.

Liara turns to look at Miranda, tears trailing down her cheeks. "Save her. Please. She's all I have."

"We'll do all we can. This will take time, a long time." Miranda stops, seeing Liara is in the depths of despair and close to losing herself to it. She chooses her next words carefully "Liara, you have to let her go, you can't carry this grief while she is gone. You have to move on."

Liara's eyes flash dangerously. "Don't you dare tell me what I should or should not do. You don't know me."

Miranda opens her mouth, face set to argue, then thinks better of it. She purses her lips and nods. "Very well, stay safe. I hope to see you again someday." She turns and follows the techs as they push the pod through the far doors. Carrying her love, her life away from her.

She turns back towards the shuttle she came in. Steps and heart heavy. She knows she can't mention any of this to anyone. The galaxy needs to put Shepard to rest.

Sitting in the passenger seat she nods to her pilot and they take flight. Looking out the window, she watches the non descript station fade away as they hit the relay. She wipes a lone tear from her eye. Heart heavy, and mind weary she prays to the Goddess to please let them be able to bring her back.

Bit by bit, day by day she picks herself up again. Begins to live again. She learns to compartmentalize her pain, shutting it off from her mind and heart. She purchases an apartment on Illium, resolving to start a new life. Determined to find all she can of the Shadow Broker that so cruel and calculating, was willing to sell Shepard's body away. She vows to bring him and his entire network down. Vengeance gives her strength, determination and purpose. Changing her from the young, naive maiden, into a fierce, unyielding adversary.

The days slide by, weeks, then months. The pain, heartache, and fear all begin to dissipate during the day. Every night they return to torment her, plague her, and wear her down. Yet also hardening her resolve to live for Shepard. The passing time with no word from Cerberus, from Miranda aches at her heart. Each month tearing away a part of her that stays waiting for Shepard. She can't let her go, but she begins to lose hope of ever seeing her love again.

Each night she places a gentle kiss on the stoic, simple wooden box that holds Shepard's flag, whispering a prayer for her. Hope is a hard thing to let go. No matter how hard she tries to shut it out, it glows softly in her heart. Keeping her watching the news feeds every day for any word.

Then one day, two years later, she receives a simple message through her private channel. The sender's name has been redacted, the message simply reads, "She lives." Two words, two small innocent words that speak volumes to her. Hope burns strong in her again, relief bringing hot tears to her eyes, her heart aches anew.

She lives. Shepard, her love, is alive.


End file.
